


The DNA tests - a not so serious oneshot

by Theweirdslingshot



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Gen, Multi, nothing should be taken seriously, this is a joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:02:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22232233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theweirdslingshot/pseuds/Theweirdslingshot
Summary: Wanting to see who Beatrice II's father is, the other children wants to take DNA tests too, just for fun's sake. Things do not end up in the way they thought, though.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 27





	The DNA tests - a not so serious oneshot

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I came up with at 2 am one night, and it shouldn't be taken seriously at all.

"All right, they have arrived. Aren't you excited, Bea?"

The Baudelaires had for long wondered who the father of their adopted daughter Beatrice were. So, they decided to take a DNA test. They told this to the Quagmires, who got so excited they thought everyone should do it, just for fun. Fiona, Friday, and even Carmelita had heard it too.

Esmé came with Carmelita, which was concerning to the others, but Esmé was her guardian now and was only there to explain if something in the DNA tests looked weird. She claimed she knew some things about relatives the kids didn't know.

"Alright." Violet said. "Shall we open our letters?"  
"I'm nervous." Sunny said.  
"Don't worry." Klaus assured her, "In this letter, it says who our mother and father is, and you and me are going to have the same."  
"I'm excited for Beatrice." Violet said, and kissed Beatrice on the cheeks. "She is finally going to know who her dad is."

Beatrice clapped her hands and almost ripped her letter apart.

"Careful, now!" Isadora giggled.  
"We should all open them together." Quigley suggested. "For fun."  
"Yeah." Duncan said, and everyone else nodded.

"Okay..." Friday said, barely hiding her excitement.

Esmé looked nervous too. Almost like she knew a bunch of secrets were going to be revealed. She walked away to get a glass of water.

"Are you ready?" Fiona yelled happily.  
"Yeah!" everyone in the room replied.

Everyone began to count down.

"3...! 2...! 1...!"

A loud sound of letters being opened simuntaneously was heard. Everyone became quiet for a moment, to read.

Violet was the first one to talk.

"Uh..." she said, "Klaus, Sunny?"  
"Father Bertrand, mother Beatrice." Klaus read out loud. "Yes, just as I suspected."  
"But Klaus-"  
"Can you read mine?" Sunny asked, as she still hadn't learned to read.  
"Sure thing." Klaus said, "But it's going to say the same on yo-"

Silence.

"Guys." Isadora said, "Our father wasn't named Frank? And why doesn't he have 'Quagmire' as a last name. Our mother's name is right."  
"Same for me." Duncan said. "Our mother's name is there, but on my it says my father is Jacq- oh. J-Jacques Snicket? That guy you told us you met, Quigley?"  
"Wait, was I the only one to get both our parents names right?" Quigley asked nervously.

"It says here my father's name is Ike." Fiona said. "Huh. I never knew my fathers name. Anwhistle. Cool. And oh yeah, my mother kept her last name."  
"Miranda and Thursday Caliban." Friday said happily. "Yep, those are my parents. What were your mothers name, Fiona?"

Fiona stared at Friday.

"...Miranda Caliban?"

Friday went silent.

"My stepfather said my mother died. She died when I was eight, on a cruise ship."  
"My mother said she was stranded on the island when she was pregnant with me." Friday explained.

The two girls just stared at each other.

The one who didn't say anything at all was Carmelita. She just looked very, very shooked.

Esmé came back in to the room, sipping her glass of water.

"What are all of you so shocked about?" she asked.  
"I think there's something wrong with these DNA tests." Klaus explained. "It says Sunny has a different mother, and-"  
"What?!" Violet exclaimed, "So i'm not alone? I have another father, apparently!"  
"And according to these tests we somehow have different fathers, all three!" Isadora exclaimed.  
"And we are half-siblings!" Fiona cried happily, hugging Friday.  
"And I..." Carmelita said, "These are not my parents at all. Who the hell is Gregor Anwhistle? And my mother is-"  
"Okay!" Esmé said. "I knew this would happen. Children, it's time to talk about your parents. Because oh boy, did they get a good job of keeping secrets!"

Everyone gathered around Esmé.

"You two." Esmé pointed at Friday and Fiona, "I don't think I need to explain much there. Also, I didn't know your mother that well."  
"Yeah, go on." Fiona said, hugging her half-sister.  
"Violet." Esmé continued. "You and Klaus both are Beatrices children. But you see, Beatrice had a giant thing going on with a man named Lemony. They were almost getting married before- well. Yeah. She ended up pregnant with you."  
"But why does Sunny have a different mother?" Klaus asked. "It says her mother is... Kit Snicket."

Esmé sighed. "Well, I heard Kit got a baby a couple of years ago, but the story I heard was that she wasn't ready then to have a child. Bertrand was the father... I believe one time he and Beatrice went to a party with Kit and lots of other people, and they were laughing and getting drunk, and someone suggested how fun it would be if random people just slept with each other... I am not sure I should use that phrase around you children, but I don't care. So that's how Sunny was made... which brings me to the Quagmires."

The Quagmire triplets blinked.

"It doesn't make sense for us to be identical triplets and still have different fathers."  
"Oh, yes." Esmé said, and laughed a bit. "Because I was there."

Silence spread across the room.

"Yeah, it was another party, a long time ago. We all had been drinking a bit much again, and the suggestion of random people getting it on with people who weren't their spouses was again something fun. We were all just one big group who dated each other, and that was nothing. Well, your mother wanted to do an experiment... triplets run in her family, and so if three men were... well, I am not going into details too much."

The Quagmire triplets felt very weirded out by this.

"I also had some fun on that party." Esmé said, "And you probably know that, Carmelita."

Carmelita looked anxious. She held her test results up.

Name: Carmelita Spats  
Father: Gregor Anwhistle  
Mother: Esmé Squalor

"But-" Carmelita began, before Esmé shushed her.  
"I thought it was a fun idea at the party." Esmé said, "But then I actually got pregnant. And... well, I didn't really feel to have a child. But Mr and Mrs Spats offered to pay me a fortune if they could adopt you, so I said yes... and then I wanted you back. When I saw how much I could pamper a child to be like me, I tried to get you back."  
"So that's why you almost encouraged me to join you and Olaf." Carmelita said.  
"Yes, darling."

It felt like they were having a heartfelt moment, but then Carmelita started to speak again.

"So uh... what was my father like?"  
"Oh, he was an asshole, sweetie. Come on. Shouldn't we all drink some tea?"  
"As long as you don't poison it." Klaus said.  
"VFD is destroyed and literally everyone I cared about died." Esmé said. "I have no one to poison."  
"Fair enough." Duncan said, and shrugged.

Everyone went out, without realising the reason they took DNA tests in the first place. The only one who saw the results was little Beatrice herself.

And, even if she couldn't read, she was sure everyone would've not quite liked the truth of who her father was...


End file.
